Miss Labelled under…

Is an excellent dish, English cuisine at its best. English butter, fluffy white bread, the kind of crust that can cut the inside of your cheek, that there is the breakfast of the gods (especially Ganesh, who is a big fan of wheat based dining) and nothing else will beat it.

 
I’m not one for the bastardization of comfiture, the full throated brain ache of a yeast spread (here in the UK a substance called ‘marmite’ is on offer - imaging if vegemite and Worcestershire Sauce had a bastard child, that’s what it tastes like), even the mouth-watering temptation of buttery pastes made of chocolate or nut products does not appeal. I like it as it comes: warm, crunchy and spread with just enough salted butter.

 
If you like carbohydrate you can’t go far wrong with a slice of English toast. Or so I thought.
Ever heard the phrase “Craft Services”. That’s what they call the people responsible for providing food here…Never has a name been so poorly given. They neither offer a service nor exhibit anything close to a craft. (I was tempted to put both of those words in apostrophes, but CPF has said it’s a bad habit. “People who bunny-ears in the written word are 100% worse than people who bunny ears in conversation,” she says, “the latter of which should have their eyes skewered by their own facetious fingers.” She has a way with words that one.)

What I understand by the word ‘craft’ (and that’s not facetious, that’s grammar folks) is ; Care, attention and skill. It conjures up images of pot throwers and doll makers, old women knitting and gnarly dudes ‘what know how to whittle’ sitting by the side of the road waving their wares at wary commuters.

And so I offer you a recipe, because apparently catering services are incapable of logical thought this morning.

 
How to fuck up Toast

 1) Buy Shitbread. Shitbread is the kind of bread that you can fold into a small square, you look at it and realize it has the flavor and consistency of one of those spongy cloths people buy to wash up with. Said cloths would probably taste better.

 
2) Freeze butter. You may also feel the need to place the frozen butter as far away from any warming items as possible, thus ensuring teeth and/or cutlery are rendered useless when trying to spread/cut/eat it.

3) Toast Shitbread and leave to stand. Rendering luke-cold. That kind of warm which lulls you into a false sense of security - “It’s okay, it’ll still be warm after I have paid for it.” - only to find that when served contact with a dish causes some incalculable physical reaction that draws all previous warmth from the bread into the ceramic thing which carries it.

4) Serve. Place in front of a tired and starving Diva who hasn’t had her sex this morning and than charge her £2.50.

5) Watch shit fly.

Missy is not happy today.

Bad breakfasting experience has spoiled her mood.
If D&G walks in right now I may just eat him alive.